Thanks for sharing this, Grant. Powerful post. I honestly don't know how anyone doesn't feel some tinge of depression right now. I know there's situational depression and longterm depression. I, too, have always thought of myself as good, carefree, pretty okay, but I also have been thinking lately how something broke—and I think it started with the pandemic. There's a marked before and after, and it takes some coming to terms with. I've always been very resistant to antidepressants, but everyone I know who takes them describes what you do. So thanks for this. Normalizing. You're a light in my life!
Thanks so much for your thoughtful words, Brooke—and you're definitely a light in my life! I was just thinking about the pandemic—how I'm not fully out of it for some reason, and I'm not even sure if I can describe that reason. I definitely don't think I've ever felt external factors affecting my emotional/psychological life like they have recently. I know antidepressants don't work for everyone, and I truly don't know much about them, but it's been fascinating and revelatory to experience them in action.
Hey Grant. Back in 2014 I diagnosed with a lifelong depression as well. I don't take medication (for various reasons) but I am SO glad it's working for you. Anyway, what I really want to say is that this is a brilliant post and I love you. xxx
I didn't know that, Meg. It's odd, isn't it, to suddenly reframe your life in such a way? Thank you so much for your thoughts. We'll have to talk more. And you're among the dearest to me as well, so I appreciate your love and your words.
I honestly don't know. Walking helps so much. That and writing /being creative. I feel so lucky to be doing what I love and when I can focus on that, I can cut through the fog. Sadness and depression (which runs in my family) is something I've learned to cope with over the years, but mine is a low-lying depression, not major, so everyone is different. I know what I'm doing is probably not enough and really should look into medications (I live in the UK and the healthcare here is not so wonderful).
I'm forever thankful for my depression medication, which I've been on since 1994. The fog is gone! I feel so deeply for my great grandmother who lived until 1987. She struggled with what they called the "sleepy disease " for her entire life. She was a brilliant woman, paving the way for all women, attending Harvard when women weren't allowed in classes with men, but suffered immensely.
Grant, thank you for your raw, honest words. I am so glad that you have found your freedom!
Thanks, Bridget! I love monikers for things that aren't supposed to be spoken about, and the "sleepy disease" is so interesting. A good title for a story.
Thanks for sharing about your grandmother as well. My grandmother was similar: she went to college in the early 1900s, then went on to run a farm by herself. I've often wondered about mental illness with her, in fact.
I have dealt with the stigma for decades. I went to a new ob/gyn, who knew nothing about me except for my one listed prescription, an SSRI (and birth control). When I asked how long I should be off birth control before trying to start a family, he said simply, "You need to get your head on straight first." I walked out of that office devastated and ashamed. I was 25 years old.
I loved this post. I've had some depression in the past, and while I'm not feeling it now, my relationship to writing (lifelong) is similar to what you're describing--a sense of my own dullness, the burdensome nature of using language to capture something. Once, that was exciting. Now I seem to moving towards painting and drawing for that drunken feeling. But: I'm aware in this tumultuous time, of a feeling of sadness about the world that is inescapable, even as I am also living a life that I imagined for years.
Follow that drunken feeling wherever it leads! That's great that it's led you to painting and drawing. It's probably the best way to combat the sadness of the world.
I’m really moved by this piece and was so struck when you said you were “startled” by your depression diagnosis—mostly bc I share a lot of what you describe. Thanks for writing this.
Yeah, I was definitely startled. It was odd because I think of myself as a self-reflective person (it's basically what we do as writers, right?) and decently attuned to myself, but I'd never truly entertained this thought. Now ... a lot of things make sense. Let me know if you ever want to talk.
Thanks for writing this Grant - reading made me cry...recognition...looking in a mirror. It's a struggle. For myself, I try to manage through exercise and creative practice. I don't take medications for other personal reasons. I rely on a fantastic nest of people who love me, hold me. And the joy, the joy and beauty and drunkenness on joy and beauty...this is more real than anything else. Thank you for sharing your story here, now an artifact - a fact of art! - showing the world how pain transforms to love.
Ah, Suzanne, I appreciate your words so much, so many thanks. I love your phrase "nest of people." What a beautiful way to put it. Let's keep getting drunk on joy and beauty--and transform pain with art! What other path is there, really ...
I’ve dealt with depression my whole life and have been on medication for ages. It’s saved my life. This was such a heartfelt piece. I could relate to all of it.
Thank you so much, LeeAnn. The medication is pretty amazing, so we've got a lot to thank for that. It's interesting how many people experience this, per the comments on this post. I worry about people experiencing it alone, without the sense that they're part of such a larger group.
Grant, I read this post weeks ago when it first came out, and it has stayed with me since then. Thank you for the care you show in this post for the community you've created here, for allowing us into your journey which is the journey of so many of us creators who live at the edge or in the depths of the sometimes-too-much world.
Great post. I too believed my low-grade, persistent depression (dysthymia) was normal for an artist. Medication jump started my healing. It’s was an amazing feeling after a month of treatment to wake up one day feeling happy. That was 20 years ago. Keep writing about it.
I think this is on page 37 of Darkness Visible: "As one who has suffered from the malady in extremis yet returned to tell the tale, I would lobby for a truly arresting designation. 'Brainstorm,' for instance, has unfortunately been preempted to describe, somewhat jocularly, intellectual inspiration. But something along these lines is needed. Told that someone’s mood disorder has evolved into a storm—a veritable howling tempest in the brain, which is indeed what a clinical depression resembles like nothing else—even the uninformed layman might display sympathy rather than the standard reaction that 'depression' evokes, something akin to 'So what?' or 'You’ll pull out of it' or 'We all have bad days.'"
Oh, thanks for sharing this! He's totally right, especially re: the layman's reaction. I don't know what a better word is, but "howling tempest" takes us a step closer. I don't know if I've felt the howls so much, but the sharp and pervasive pain of the head, the rain storm, the darkness, I don't know ... another commenter called it the "dark treadmill," which works as well. There is a plodding onward involved in it all ... Thanks again!
Thanks for sharing this, Grant. Powerful post. I honestly don't know how anyone doesn't feel some tinge of depression right now. I know there's situational depression and longterm depression. I, too, have always thought of myself as good, carefree, pretty okay, but I also have been thinking lately how something broke—and I think it started with the pandemic. There's a marked before and after, and it takes some coming to terms with. I've always been very resistant to antidepressants, but everyone I know who takes them describes what you do. So thanks for this. Normalizing. You're a light in my life!
Thanks so much for your thoughtful words, Brooke—and you're definitely a light in my life! I was just thinking about the pandemic—how I'm not fully out of it for some reason, and I'm not even sure if I can describe that reason. I definitely don't think I've ever felt external factors affecting my emotional/psychological life like they have recently. I know antidepressants don't work for everyone, and I truly don't know much about them, but it's been fascinating and revelatory to experience them in action.
Hey Grant. Back in 2014 I diagnosed with a lifelong depression as well. I don't take medication (for various reasons) but I am SO glad it's working for you. Anyway, what I really want to say is that this is a brilliant post and I love you. xxx
I didn't know that, Meg. It's odd, isn't it, to suddenly reframe your life in such a way? Thank you so much for your thoughts. We'll have to talk more. And you're among the dearest to me as well, so I appreciate your love and your words.
I’m seeking alternatives for a depressed loved one, Meg. Can you say what helps you cope? I’d appreciate some ideas. Be well!
I honestly don't know. Walking helps so much. That and writing /being creative. I feel so lucky to be doing what I love and when I can focus on that, I can cut through the fog. Sadness and depression (which runs in my family) is something I've learned to cope with over the years, but mine is a low-lying depression, not major, so everyone is different. I know what I'm doing is probably not enough and really should look into medications (I live in the UK and the healthcare here is not so wonderful).
Thank you. We've recently committed to walking daily, and it is helping markedly. I hope you find the support you need!
I'm forever thankful for my depression medication, which I've been on since 1994. The fog is gone! I feel so deeply for my great grandmother who lived until 1987. She struggled with what they called the "sleepy disease " for her entire life. She was a brilliant woman, paving the way for all women, attending Harvard when women weren't allowed in classes with men, but suffered immensely.
Grant, thank you for your raw, honest words. I am so glad that you have found your freedom!
Thanks, Bridget! I love monikers for things that aren't supposed to be spoken about, and the "sleepy disease" is so interesting. A good title for a story.
Thanks for sharing about your grandmother as well. My grandmother was similar: she went to college in the early 1900s, then went on to run a farm by herself. I've often wondered about mental illness with her, in fact.
I'm glad you have found your freedom as well!
I have dealt with the stigma for decades. I went to a new ob/gyn, who knew nothing about me except for my one listed prescription, an SSRI (and birth control). When I asked how long I should be off birth control before trying to start a family, he said simply, "You need to get your head on straight first." I walked out of that office devastated and ashamed. I was 25 years old.
Oh my God, that's so horrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
I am convinced that she had depression. Perhaps I willl write a story!
I loved this post. I've had some depression in the past, and while I'm not feeling it now, my relationship to writing (lifelong) is similar to what you're describing--a sense of my own dullness, the burdensome nature of using language to capture something. Once, that was exciting. Now I seem to moving towards painting and drawing for that drunken feeling. But: I'm aware in this tumultuous time, of a feeling of sadness about the world that is inescapable, even as I am also living a life that I imagined for years.
Follow that drunken feeling wherever it leads! That's great that it's led you to painting and drawing. It's probably the best way to combat the sadness of the world.
I’m really moved by this piece and was so struck when you said you were “startled” by your depression diagnosis—mostly bc I share a lot of what you describe. Thanks for writing this.
Yeah, I was definitely startled. It was odd because I think of myself as a self-reflective person (it's basically what we do as writers, right?) and decently attuned to myself, but I'd never truly entertained this thought. Now ... a lot of things make sense. Let me know if you ever want to talk.
Thanks, Grant. I keep thinking about your post. Appreciate the offer to reach out. ❤️
Thanks for writing this Grant - reading made me cry...recognition...looking in a mirror. It's a struggle. For myself, I try to manage through exercise and creative practice. I don't take medications for other personal reasons. I rely on a fantastic nest of people who love me, hold me. And the joy, the joy and beauty and drunkenness on joy and beauty...this is more real than anything else. Thank you for sharing your story here, now an artifact - a fact of art! - showing the world how pain transforms to love.
Ah, Suzanne, I appreciate your words so much, so many thanks. I love your phrase "nest of people." What a beautiful way to put it. Let's keep getting drunk on joy and beauty--and transform pain with art! What other path is there, really ...
I’ve dealt with depression my whole life and have been on medication for ages. It’s saved my life. This was such a heartfelt piece. I could relate to all of it.
Thank you so much, LeeAnn. The medication is pretty amazing, so we've got a lot to thank for that. It's interesting how many people experience this, per the comments on this post. I worry about people experiencing it alone, without the sense that they're part of such a larger group.
I think that’s why it’s important to write about it. Then perhaps someone realizes they aren’t suffering alone.
Hugs to you, Grant.
Grant, I read this post weeks ago when it first came out, and it has stayed with me since then. Thank you for the care you show in this post for the community you've created here, for allowing us into your journey which is the journey of so many of us creators who live at the edge or in the depths of the sometimes-too-much world.
Thanks so much, Jennifer. It's indeed all quite a journey. You never know what turns await you.
Great post. I too believed my low-grade, persistent depression (dysthymia) was normal for an artist. Medication jump started my healing. It’s was an amazing feeling after a month of treatment to wake up one day feeling happy. That was 20 years ago. Keep writing about it.
Thanks, Cindy! Sounds like we had very similar experiences.
Terrific vulnerable post. I’m glad you took your brain in for service and you have a tune up that works for you. Well done drunkenness
Be drunk, Prajna, be drunk!
The resonance astounds. The lack of bullshit, refreshing. Thanks, man.
Thanks, Jeyn! I hope you're well ...
I appreciate you sharing your story so much.
Completely relate. Thank you.
Such a powerful piece. Thanks for sharing, Grant.
I think this is on page 37 of Darkness Visible: "As one who has suffered from the malady in extremis yet returned to tell the tale, I would lobby for a truly arresting designation. 'Brainstorm,' for instance, has unfortunately been preempted to describe, somewhat jocularly, intellectual inspiration. But something along these lines is needed. Told that someone’s mood disorder has evolved into a storm—a veritable howling tempest in the brain, which is indeed what a clinical depression resembles like nothing else—even the uninformed layman might display sympathy rather than the standard reaction that 'depression' evokes, something akin to 'So what?' or 'You’ll pull out of it' or 'We all have bad days.'"
Oh, thanks for sharing this! He's totally right, especially re: the layman's reaction. I don't know what a better word is, but "howling tempest" takes us a step closer. I don't know if I've felt the howls so much, but the sharp and pervasive pain of the head, the rain storm, the darkness, I don't know ... another commenter called it the "dark treadmill," which works as well. There is a plodding onward involved in it all ... Thanks again!