Reminds me of a great line delivered with force by Timothy Hutton in the movie "Ordinary People." Interestingly, it occurs toward the end of the movie as a sign of healing—Conrad can deal with a negative emotion without being self-destructive.
Conrad Jarrett : I feel bad about this! I feel really, really bad about this! Just let me feel bad about this!
I remember this scene well. I think I've watched that movie 27 times. Literally. But it's spot on: sometimes you've just got to feel bad (and not feel bad about feeling bad).
I throw feeling sorry for yourself, or self-pity, into the bucket of other emotions we're not supposed to feel. Rejection is something that happens to you. Your work has been rejected, and your work is all you. But, I remind myself it's okay to feel what I'm feeling. (no, I'm not a therapist!) Self-pity is a most human feeling as you can get, and when writing creatively, I look at it as one of those seeds or even roots from which some good writing can come from. At least for me, anyway.
Isn't it funny that there are emotions "we're not supposed to feel," or that society general prohibits the expression of (even when we obviously all feel them). It's great you see self-pity as a seed, a root, for good writing. I agree.
Honestly though. I dig your book idea and I think it would serve well so many creators who find themselves confronting the forces of self-doubt. Rejection sensitivity can really derail artists and writers from continuing to pursue their creative passions. I think a lot of people would take heart in a book like this.
Thanks for the encouragement! I agree: I think it's a really important topic, and one that does unadressed, or addressed superficially. I've just seen too many talented artist shut down before really giving their work a chance. I don't think I'm done with my idea. It will just take a different form. We'll see. Again, thanks!
Sergei Rachmaninov went through a debilitating FOUR YEAR depression after his first piano concerto flopped. He eventually saw a hypnotist that snapped him out of it, and he went on to compose works that rivaled his hero, Tchaikovsky. Good thing he didn’t “shut down”.
Imagine. If your book could do the job like Rachmaninov’s hypnotist…
John Kennedy Toole killed himself in 1969 in part because of rejection depression. His novels were published posthumously. A Confederacy of Dunces later won a Pulitzer. Too bad he “shut down” instead of surviving long enough to enjoy his eventual success.
I'm actually a big Rachmaninov fan and I loved Confederacy of Dunces when I read it way, way back. In fact, I should re-read it. Thanks for sharing these. I'll put them in my "rejection file" to use as ... the book/project develops (I hope).
Totally agree with the premise of allowing oneself to wallow. As the saying goes, Let yourself "feel all the feels." Then you can get up and move on. I like that in the back of the wallowing is thinking of Plan B. Thanks for the post.
Thanks so much for the encouraging words, Jennifer. The book is still rumbling around in my head, so I think it will take some form in the world. Rejection can be like a kitchen gadget—it remixes everything, so the book might come out in a different form.
Where does a rant fit in? (A rant that does not burn any bridges.) I had written my observations upon sending out 20 queries before reading your post . . . and it probably qualifies as a mini-rant, not a full-fledged wallow.
A good rant and a good wallow are kissing cousins, and sometimes the lines are blurry. Both need to be indulged, I think, especially the mini rant, but you're right: don't burn any bridges (unless the injustice deserves that). I'd find a good friend to rant to. A writing friend, If possible. Or ... yes, write about it, as you've done.
I have to try this one day. When I get rejected, I tend to look away, focus on something else entirely, and pretend it didn't happen, and if it did happen, it had surely nothing to do with me or my book, so there's really no point in wasting time on feeling bad unless... no, no, onward I go, my attention on the next project, and that's how I somehow survived rejection without growing thick skin or learning how to wallop.
Sounds like you have a very healthy "rejection mindset." I generally move on to the next project, etc., as well, but sometimes ... the rejection is quite sharp. Perhaps in relation to how big of a project it is, and how much I wanted to see it in the world—and thought it should be in the world. But, yes, onward ...
Reminds me of a great line delivered with force by Timothy Hutton in the movie "Ordinary People." Interestingly, it occurs toward the end of the movie as a sign of healing—Conrad can deal with a negative emotion without being self-destructive.
Conrad Jarrett : I feel bad about this! I feel really, really bad about this! Just let me feel bad about this!
Dr. Berger : Okay. I feel bad about it, too.
I remember this scene well. I think I've watched that movie 27 times. Literally. But it's spot on: sometimes you've just got to feel bad (and not feel bad about feeling bad).
I throw feeling sorry for yourself, or self-pity, into the bucket of other emotions we're not supposed to feel. Rejection is something that happens to you. Your work has been rejected, and your work is all you. But, I remind myself it's okay to feel what I'm feeling. (no, I'm not a therapist!) Self-pity is a most human feeling as you can get, and when writing creatively, I look at it as one of those seeds or even roots from which some good writing can come from. At least for me, anyway.
Isn't it funny that there are emotions "we're not supposed to feel," or that society general prohibits the expression of (even when we obviously all feel them). It's great you see self-pity as a seed, a root, for good writing. I agree.
I reject the rejection of your book about rejection.
Haha, I love this, Jeyn! Thanks! Maybe I should write back to a few publishers with this line.
I accept your acceptance of using the line to get your book accepted.
Honestly though. I dig your book idea and I think it would serve well so many creators who find themselves confronting the forces of self-doubt. Rejection sensitivity can really derail artists and writers from continuing to pursue their creative passions. I think a lot of people would take heart in a book like this.
Thanks for the encouragement! I agree: I think it's a really important topic, and one that does unadressed, or addressed superficially. I've just seen too many talented artist shut down before really giving their work a chance. I don't think I'm done with my idea. It will just take a different form. We'll see. Again, thanks!
Sergei Rachmaninov went through a debilitating FOUR YEAR depression after his first piano concerto flopped. He eventually saw a hypnotist that snapped him out of it, and he went on to compose works that rivaled his hero, Tchaikovsky. Good thing he didn’t “shut down”.
Imagine. If your book could do the job like Rachmaninov’s hypnotist…
John Kennedy Toole killed himself in 1969 in part because of rejection depression. His novels were published posthumously. A Confederacy of Dunces later won a Pulitzer. Too bad he “shut down” instead of surviving long enough to enjoy his eventual success.
I'm actually a big Rachmaninov fan and I loved Confederacy of Dunces when I read it way, way back. In fact, I should re-read it. Thanks for sharing these. I'll put them in my "rejection file" to use as ... the book/project develops (I hope).
Totally agree with the premise of allowing oneself to wallow. As the saying goes, Let yourself "feel all the feels." Then you can get up and move on. I like that in the back of the wallowing is thinking of Plan B. Thanks for the post.
Thanks, Susan! Maybe I'll make a bumper sticker or t-shirt: "Trust your wallowing." Or ... "Seek in your wallowing." A plan B definitely awaits ...
Today’s rejection episode on Write-Minded was so helpful! Glad to find you on Substack and I hope to see your book in the world soon…
Thanks so much for the encouraging words, Jennifer. The book is still rumbling around in my head, so I think it will take some form in the world. Rejection can be like a kitchen gadget—it remixes everything, so the book might come out in a different form.
What a great analogy! I have quite a few rejection gadgets of my own....
Sign me up for a "vacation from the strains of striving."
Haha, maybe I'll start offering this as a creative retreat.
Make it at a magical location with sun and sand and I'm all in!
“The Power of Regret” by Daniel H. Pink:
Pg 37: When we’re thinking about regrets, thinking “If only . . .” can make us feel worse.
Changing my thinking from “if only” to “At least” has made me feel better many times.
At least I submitted something!
Good one!
Where does a rant fit in? (A rant that does not burn any bridges.) I had written my observations upon sending out 20 queries before reading your post . . . and it probably qualifies as a mini-rant, not a full-fledged wallow.
https://open.substack.com/pub/mfaandbeyond/p/twenty-queries-in?r=3gfzt&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
A good rant and a good wallow are kissing cousins, and sometimes the lines are blurry. Both need to be indulged, I think, especially the mini rant, but you're right: don't burn any bridges (unless the injustice deserves that). I'd find a good friend to rant to. A writing friend, If possible. Or ... yes, write about it, as you've done.
Haha, without naming names!!
And yes, I did rant a lot more crazily on Zoom to my MFA mentor.
I have to try this one day. When I get rejected, I tend to look away, focus on something else entirely, and pretend it didn't happen, and if it did happen, it had surely nothing to do with me or my book, so there's really no point in wasting time on feeling bad unless... no, no, onward I go, my attention on the next project, and that's how I somehow survived rejection without growing thick skin or learning how to wallop.
Sounds like you have a very healthy "rejection mindset." I generally move on to the next project, etc., as well, but sometimes ... the rejection is quite sharp. Perhaps in relation to how big of a project it is, and how much I wanted to see it in the world—and thought it should be in the world. But, yes, onward ...
Argh! Sorry to hear that, Grant. Wallow.
Haha, here's to wallowing! Temporary wallowing. Onward!
Timely! I’m a newbie Substacker, and just posted a short take on rejection and self-flagellation <barbaraljay.substack.com>
Looking ahead, I’m determined to find a publisher for my memoir about mental illness and family secrets. Nowhere near self-pity… yet.